[SIZE=-1]RCR LA TO TAHOE
This is likely the longest post on the forum so get ready to take a trip with the UNDERGROUND as we battle our way through the rain snow and dirt in the quest for a golden gas pump!
It was sometime around mid December when the word got out that there was another Rental Car Rally (RCR) in the works and ya gotta know my boys and I from The UNDERGROUND were gonna go for another win.
For those of you who don't know what the RCR is I lifted this off the creators website. [URL="http://rentalcarrally.com/[/url]"]http://rentalcarrally.com/[/URL]
What is Rental Car Rally?
Rental Car Rally is Halloween on WheelsRCR is an overnight, backroads-mostly driving competition between crazily-festooned teams competing for cash prizes and a golden gas pump. There are usually between 25 and 60 teams per event. Except this one time there were 73 teams and some dudes dressed as clowns crashed their minivan on a bridge in Canada. So. Anyway. It's ballerhouse tiits-out crazytown.
You Win by Hitting the Checkpoints and Looking Awesome
RCR isn't technically a race. The team with the lowest odometer score and best costumes wins. Each team must hit several checkpoints along the route, including sites like abandoned airfields, giant decommissioned howitzers, airplane graveyards, and other absurdly awesome locations.
Expect Good Times and Possible Incarceration
Trucks, covered in dog fur! Grown men, dressed like Rambo! Grown women, dressed like trailer trash! Border patrol agents who don't like pot cookies, sheriffs who'll accuse you of pedophilia, casino owners unamused by costumed gamblers, and bar managers who will kindly referee an impromptu Greco-Roman wrestling match. True stories. When you rally with RCR, you meet some amazing people who are bored with conventional entertainment and weary of respecting the Interstate Highway System.
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For those of you who did not follow our adventures when we did this last summer you can read all about it here.
How The UNDERGROUND won the Rental Car Rally..
Its a long tale but the short version is Mike Loomis, Austin "Fishd00d" Farner and myself each dressed as Rambo and Greg "Double G" Calvert was dressed as a VC. We drove from LA To Tombstone AZ in Mikes Tundra that was draped in camouflage netting hitting various random checkpoints alog the way. What happened that weekend will forever be logged in our memory banks as one of the greatest adventures of our lives. In the end we won beating out Matt "Kartman" Kartozians team by a narrow margin. Both our teams had entered as friends and competitors and as we got closer to the finish line the friendly rivalry we began with, had evolved into an all out war with eggs being the primary weapons. This previous rally was also what prompted Matts purchasing of the 20 inch Dickswords he can bee seen wielding at the races.
Our win that weekend brought to conclusion an awesome rivalry of internet smack talk. To say that Matt and his crew were bitter we beat them would be the understatement of the year, and while i will always hold our trophy as one of the greatest honors ever bestowed upon my team, I have learned to very much hate that damn rubber penis/weapon he weilds like the sword of Excalibur. I don't think a race has gone by where those 2nd placers did not bring that god forsaken phallus. I have been beaten over the head with that damn thing at Parker, Primm and literally every single bar in Laughlin from Losers lounge all the way to the Choo Choo since that day and endured Matts ranting about how they barely lost and we barely won and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Now there's even t shirts with a pic of me hung over, sitting on a toilet in one of the worlds smallest bathrooms in LA's crappyest fleabag hotel that are getting quite a bit of "likes" on Facebook. I would "like" to say I took my beatings like a champ and always let those guys rant and rant and rant because in the end all I had to do was remind them that it was The UNDERGROUND that won. It was The UNDERGROUND that got the Golden Gas Pump and the CASH, and it was The UNDERGROUND that hung that albatross around their neck. Nobody with any competative blood in their veins like to lose and i will freely admit I enjoyed being able to hold this over their heads even though it meant i would be regularly battered by dildos with dildos.
Well, i told ya that story because i think its necessary to give the story of our second rally some perspective.
Once again our rivalry was launched by a simple thread online. This time the RCR would be ran in winter and instead of the finish line being nice and warm and having an out door pool and jacuzzi to chill in, it was gonna end in the frozen mountains of South Lake Tahoe. Just like with Lemons we do our best to get people motivated to join us in these pointless adventures of awesome and try and get as much hype going as possible. These things are fun as hell and not for the weak of spirit. It doesn't take long for people to say stuff like "This sounds like sooooo much fun! We are totally doing this!" the problem is these people rarely get their act together and this rally would be no different in this aspect but with one glaring exception. Taylor Morford aka "TMorford", StacEy Melton, Mac D aka "doyouquaxu" and Nicolette Dunn aka "PrerunnerChic" actually found enough sack to get their asses entered.
The smack talk continued online and it was quickly decided by us veterans that while we were to remain annoyingly tough competitors for each other, we would form a united front and make these n00bs to RCR miserable at every opportunity. Life is nothing without a little hazing.
All of the teams had done a pretty good job of not letting anyone know what their teams theme were gonna be. Ya see, Keeping this kind of info secret helps because one could take that info and then re-theme themselves as the anti version of their opponents. It also adds an element a fun to the pre race shenanigans. We all had had been intentionally leaking misinformation and letting this and that accidentally slip here and there to try and trick each other into thinking they knew more than they did and this had all been pointlessly successful right up untill Fish hosted a super bowl party. StacEy and Nicolette were at Fishes house enjoying a super bowl party and after a few silver bullets Nicolette did something really really really dumb. She left her cellphone sitting on a table and walked away from it. Where many would see just another little gadget on a table, Loomis aw an opportunity and after a quick scanning of her text messages the cat, or should I say crab, was out of the bag. Their team was to be "The Deadliest Snatch".
Her post on Facebook was something like "What the hell is that crap, going thru someones phone to try and get info about RCR! Thats BS" and the pwnership quickly began..."No, that is not BS. It is pure Genius. Sorry girls, but if yer gonna leave a door open like that, were gonna walk thru it."
Now that we knew what they were up to and that they were bittered we were expecting some type of pre rally retaliation and they did not disapoint. While hanging out at contingency at the Battle at Primm a photographer buddy of mine comes rolling up with an interesting pic of the rear panel of a buggy.
the other side said something abut kartman but i dont have a pic of it...
At BAP the rubber penis fights went to a higher level than I had seen before and I am happy to say that my buddy Kyle got the worst of it. At some point he came up to me while i was putting drinks on "Busbys Tab" and looked as though he was about to cry. He was visibly shaken and holding in his hand half of a dicksword. Apparently he had somehow gotten it away from Matt and cut the thing in two. I think he thought it was a good idea at them time but he soon realized that he would likely regret this for ever and ever. I felt bad for Kyle and thanked him becoming the new target of Kartmans posse. We all went about our drinking and then I noticed Matt had in his hand a full intact dicksword and was immediately confused so I asked him "WTF? I thought Kyle cut that in half?" He stared me down and I could see the rage in his eyes followed my a glint of pride. "Do ya really think I only travel with one of these?" I laughed, congratulated him on being prepared and went on my way. Later that night Kyle tracked me down and I gave him refuge on the floor of my room so he could sleep off the evenings over indulgence. When I awoke he was long gone.
In the weeks prior to Primm my teammates and I had been coordinating our costumes and theme for the rally. Shopping had started back in December and was still going on. It had long been decided that we were to replicate the music video "California Gurls" by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg.
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/F57P9C4SAW4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F57P9C4SAW4]YouTube - Katy Perry - California Gurls ft. Snoop Dogg[/ame]
Mike, Fish, and Double G were gonna dress in the various versions of Katy from the vid and I was to be Snoop. Right away I knew I had drawn the long straw in this thing. I mean, after all if i get my picture while I'm taking a dump put on a shirt and plastered on the web, certainly photos of me dressed in drag would have much more dire consequences. Part of the reasoning behind our choice of theme was the weather. Last rally was thru the blistering Arizona sun and we stayed in costume the entire time. This meant we wore boots, long pants, wigs and padded bodybuilder tops that were basically parkas when swim trunks and wife beaters would have been way more comfortable. The promoter told us that since we never seen out of costume that they were impressed especially since anything short of wearing snowboard gear would have been better suited to the weather. Since this time we need to travel to a ski town in the snow we figured being scantily clad in drag would make an even better impression. I mean, really, whats more impressive than a drag queen in stiletto platform heels posted up in the powder outside Mammoth Ski Resort?
Originally I was just gonna wear my Pimp out fit I drastically overspent on this past Halloween but that would have been to easy. In the video Snoop wears a custom three peice suit made of cupcake fabric, I have always been a fan of the statement "If you are gonna be a bear, be a grizzly" so I had done the emasculating task of visiting every fabric store and craft shop in town in my quest to locate everything I needed to produce the necessary materials to replicate the Doggs outfit exactly. I had to give a bottle of crown royal to this girl I know to do the actual sewing for me because while i had also handed over my man card when I purchased a sewing machine from wallmart there was no way I was gonna be able to figure out how to use it in time for my suit to come together. I delivered her all my fabric and samples of what I need to have replicated and she went to work. Immediately she hated me but she endured knowing this would make her attached to what would be one of the greatest interstate crime sprees. fourteen hours of cursing later I
the fitting was complete and I was now the proud owner of a cupcake pimp suit. It's a good thing because I left he house wearing it at 5 o'clock on Thursday night and in 13 hours I was supposed to be headed to the airport and I still had some shopping to do.
Since she lived in BFE and I had to make it to the costume store for like the 5th time in a week I hauled ass across town and picked up the crown of my costume. A black felt fedora that would be spray painted gold with a matching cupcake band added. I hit the door of the costume shop and the punk rock chick that works there and had been helping me with my purchases all week was hyped on my costume (I was still wearing it). I finished up my shopping and was relieved I only had one more stop to make before i could get home and pack and just as she rang up my purchases Katy Perry came on the speakers in the store. It was "california gurls". She and I both noticed this at the same time and smiled. "It's a sign!" she exclaimed. I nodded in agreement, collected my change, and headed for the door singing. It was at this point I knew my Journey had official begun and that there was nothing but awesome ahead. I headed home, packed, and did what i could to get some some sleep but it was difficult considering how excited I was.
At 530 in the morning I was headed to the airport in full costume. The rally was not until way later that night but I had been dared by Loomis to fly in my pimp suit and I really don't like to back away from a dare. I also thought it would make the airport way less boring. Boy was I was right. My room mate pulled to the departures curb and as soon as I got out of the car theres this black luggage porter guy standing there. I did not notice him at first but then he exclaimed "Look at this Motha Fugga right here!" He had this huge smile on face and started clapping. I was overcome with a feeling of success. I smiled, tipped my fedora to the man and without a word, headed to check in.
Although it was super early the airport was buzzing with people and I entered the ziz zag line of travelers as i made my way to TSA security and metal detectors. It was hysterical. Everyone was staring at me because i looked nothing short of outrageous. Some people laughed, some smiled, and some acted as if seeing a cupcake pimpsuited man in Elvis glasses holding a candy cane staff was just normal stuff ya see at the airport. Eventually a woman asked me politely asked me "Why?" I quickly explained the rally and she asked if she could take my picture and I obliged her. As I got closer to the TSA screeners I watched them all look at me while they were pretending not to. The same went for the half dozen people who had taken my picture in line with their phones while pretending they were sending text messages.
When I was finally at the front of the line I pulled out my ID and boarding pass and handed it to the agent. "My name is Dan and I like to party" He looked at the ID, asked me to remove my hat and glasses and said "I bet you do. Have a nice flight" I took off my multi colored wingtips, hat, glasses, my bag and staff on the conveyor belt. Then a giggling TSA agent waved me thru the metal detector and I waited for my crap to come thru. From where i stood I could srr the screen where they look at the x-ray of your luggage and two agents became immediately concerned with my bag. It was filled with a bunch of metal costume jewelry for my bling and a hand held race radio. I heard her say we need to get a closer look at this stuff. (I knew this was gonna happen)
So ther I am talking to the security guy while he goes through my luggage. Hes asking me why I have 16 of those candy jewelry rings and if the prescription bottles for my meds are mine and Im trying to put my shoes back on. Behind him I see 2 PHX police officers watching and laughing and as soon as the guy clears my bag and lets me go they stop me.
"Hello officers"...
These dudes were cool and siad that being stationed at the airport is boring as hell and asked if they could take my picture. "only if you pose with me and I get to take one with you" i told them. " Well, taking photos in this area is against the law but I think in this case we can make an exception"
The next thing I know everyone wants to take a picture with me and in impromptu phot shoot transpires. I think i posed with 6 of 7 different people before i got out of there. As I made my way to the gate once again people pretended not to be looking at me and the ones who did stare were greeted with a smile. I posted up at the bar, shot off a couple texts and downed a couple of double bloody marys while i waited for boarding to start while I had a fun chat with the bartender explaining about what my journey was to entail.
A half hour later I was wheels up and on my way to San Diego.
WHeels Up and onward to SD...
When I got on the plane the perky flight attended said "Sir may i hold your staff for you?" I smiled cuz by now was getting used to the special treatment. What i wasnt expecting was her getting the pilot to leave the cockpit and come back into the cabin to greet me. I sat in the front row and spent the flight arguing about the evils of fossil fuels with an executive at a solar panel company who has no problem with the government subsidizing his industry. It was kinda fun since he expected a man dressed as i was to not to be able to challenge his theories as well as i did but in the end and despite my hatred for greenies, I think i will buy some shares of his company. I let the elderly woman next to me play angry birds on my phone. When the landing gear came down she was demanding her husband buy her an iphone so she can finish the game.
I deplaned and headed for the curb. Loomis was a few minutes away and I continued to be smiled at, stared at and a couple "Brothas" were insisting I tell them where the "Players ball" was. Mike called me to ask if I was at the curb yet and I told him "Yea, trust me. I wont be hard to spot." When he pulled up he was laughing like a child and taking pictures. I hopped in the truck and we headed to grab some breakfast because we had time to kill before we could pick up our rental car.
After we had some eggs benedict and enjoyed mocking the worlds loudest and most annoying woman at the next table we headed to the car rental place and this is where the our first cluster feck happened.
We had reserved a 4 door jeep wrangler but when we arrived it was obvious there was none on the lot. They had two doors but that would never do. The 4 door Jeep was gonna be small anyway for us and all our gear. They tried to offer us alternatives but it had to be a jeep since we wanted 4wd along with matching up with the jeep references in the Song we were paying homage to. It turns out there was so fiasco and the Jeep that was supposed to be there for us had been wrecked or broken or something at was at the dealership getting fixed.
While we sorted out this dilemma i went outside to relax because this was becoming stressful. I also think my outfit had the rental place concerned that they were handing over a 4x4 to some clowns who asked way too many question about what the optional insurance actually covered. I lit a smoke and was immediately attacked by a swarm of bees. Im guessing it was because I was so brightly colored. After a bit of flailing around the bees left me alone and went after a Japanese family while i watched and smiled thinking to myself. "Even Bees don't mess with a pimp"
The tards at FOX Car Rental finally found us the vehicle we needed but the problem was it was at John Wayne airport in Orange County. SO after a little haggling with both the rental place and the folks at mikes bank we scored a Chevy Malibu. The plan was to take it to mikes shop while I followed in the tundra. drop the tundra at the shop, take the mailbu to orange county and swap it for the Jeep, then backtrack to Fishes parents, pick him and some other crap up and head to Jonny Richers, where we were gonna decorate the Jeep and swap over to the wheels from Pat Daileys Trophy Lite. If the stupid pricks at the rental place ahd just had our ride for us like they were supposed to things woulda been way less stressful. This was gonna put us two hours behind and make getting to the starting lin in time for the party very difficult. Today was supposed to be easy with hours to spare. Now we have to race. Crap.
Dropping the Tundra off only took a few minutes and we were loaded up in the "bu" and on our way to John Wayne.
I snapped some pics of some popular cars Loomis has stored at his place.
Poor KITT...
Somehow Loomis figured out how to drift a front wheel drive car and before we knew it we were at the OC airport and swapping over to the jeep. (The brakes on the malibu should probably be replaced after our drift session but considering all the crap we had to do just to get our jeep I don't feel one bit bad about it.) We got our jeep, fed the rental folks some BS about how we were gong to a costume party and headed to go meet Fish.
The ride seemed like it took forever but Fish was there ready to go when we arrived. We strapped "his brothers bosses surfboard" to the roof with ratchet straps, loaded up fishes gear along with our stickers from our door sponsor UTVunderground.com, let his mom and dad take a million photos and then we bailed fro Jonnys Shop. Fishes parent were very concerned that we take good care of the surfboard and as soon as we were out of the driveway we asked fish if it was a big deal if it got messed up. "DGAF. That things been in our garage for 3 years, he doesn't care about it. If it comes loose and we drag it all the way to Tahoe I don't care!" "Perfect" I thought to myself.
As we headed to Jonnys shop an awful noise was coming from the roof of the jeep. The straps did not wanna cooperate with the soft top and included with the awesome drafts at the tops of the doors that were created by our tie downs there was a wicked vibration happening. Im not exaggerating when i say that it sounded like a helicopter was trying to land on the jeep when we hit 45mph. Adjustment were gonna be necessary.
Jonny almost fell over laughing at my costume when we got to the shop. We chatted for a bit and he happily handed over our sponsorship dough but the sense of urgency quickly kicked in and we got to work. Mike and fish headed for pats race truck to steal his wheels which we were supposed to swap onto the jeep. We had stickers for the door from Joey at UTV UNDERGROUND so we started slapping those on also .
While they were doing this Greg arrived with a couple of cases of Monster that had been donated to the cause by CAMBURG
and he also had had the cash and the stickers from DEZERTRANGERS.COM.
we hurried as best we could and started adding all the sponsor stickers to the jeep alog with a bunch of di-cuts Shawn Heck had made for us. It was quickly realized the race truck wheels did not fit the hole pattern on the jeep so we blew that off and made short work of stickering the ride and doing what we could to fix the vibrating surfboard fiasco. When we were done we pulled the jeep around front of the shop for a quick photo shoot and then we got the hell outta dodge. there were two more stops to make and we were gonna have to hustle if we were to make it to the starting line on time...
Regardless of what JR tells his employees, he said we could leave all sticker backings and busted zip ties on the the shop floor and he laughed at you guys when he said it...
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THE PEOPLE OF WALLMART
The only shopping we still had to do was buy supplies to mess up other peoples cars and some snow chains since the ones we had were for pats tires not the crappy wagon wheels we had to run the rally on. We worked in teams and and met at the register to pay. Our cart consisted of 3 18 packs of eggs, 20 pounds of flour, a quart of lard, ready whip, some jugs of syrup and the snow chains. while we ran around the store I realized that at some point someone was gonna snap my picture and it was likely I would end up on "the people of wallmart" website. Rather than be bothered by this concept I actually embraced it and we did our own photo shoot.
I know one of you guys is gonna enter these. Please send me the link if ya do.
FISHES HOUSE
We were in "hurry the feck up mode" by the time we got to fishes. AThis was where we were supposed to get in "full costume". I was basically done and only had to add the "black face" to mine and since we were gonna freeze I also had to put on some long underwear under my suit. The rest of the boys had to get into drag. Carissa, fishes girlfriend, was there to help everyone into their outfit. Make up, heels, wigs, etc. There were interesting comments coming from the bathroom as Loomis tried to figure out how to put on fake eyelashes and Greg tried to wedge Himself into a nylon flesh colored body suit. In the end, I think you would be hard pressed to find a crew who had taken more effort than us to be as authentic when it came to costumes.
Greg has fake boobs
im black now
sexy bishes!!!!!
ONWARD TO IRWINDALE.
By the time we got the Jeep repacked it was raining. We had a long trek ahead of us but for now all we cared about was making it to the starting line. In route the rain got worse and worse. SO here we are, hauling ass in SOCAL Friday night traffic, in a jeep covered in cupcakes and gingerbread men, dressed up like weirdos. None of us knew exactly how to get there so we are trusting the gps. the windows are completely fogged up and defrost seemed to be useless. Our speed combined with our shiddy visibility, crappy tires and a sense of urgency prompted me to send a text to my little brother.
"Hey Bro. I'm doing 90 mph in a jeep in the rain outside of LA. The jeep is filled with cross dressers. If we die please explain to Mom and Dad that this was for another one of those costumed rally things i do and not something gay."
We were almost to the starting line when the rain changed. Up till now it was only raining outside the jeep but the damn surfboard that was held in place with ratchet straps had changed this. The straps had sorta compromised the seal around the doors. At first it was just a feww drops on Greg and Fish in the back seat. then the drops turned into a constant drip on them. while were trying to deal with that while we were moving new drips and drops began at the front doors. Then these ALL got worse. Eventually it was like we had a patio mister system inside the car hooked to the roll cage. Every thing we could find was shoved into the door seals but it little to no good.
THE PEOPLE OF WALLMART (AGAIN)
Fortunately Loomis had been treating the freeway like it was a NASCAR track and he had bought us a few extra minutes so, we decided to pull into Wallmart and buy some umbrellas. So as we pull into the parking lot of this massive super center of crap imported from china everyone started to match their costumes. What I mean is, they all turned into complete vaginas. None of them would go into the store so i called them all out for being lame and manned up and bolted out of the jeep, through the rain and into Wallmart. This was a terrible idea but it had to be done.
I was only a few feet inside the store when I realized that we were obviously in the "HOOD". At first glance I made some mental notes. by my calculations I was part of a small percentage of people inside the store who were not gang members, related or married to gang members or future hopeful for gang affiliation. Now remember that my face is painted black. As i did my best to hide behind my sunglasses and "blend in" I was near panic. This was compounded by the fact that the store is friggin huge and I had no clue of the layout much less where the damn umbrellas are gonna be. I did my best to hustle and then I saw my salvation. An employee. "Dude, I really need your help!" He just stared at me.
"I am in a massive hurry and I desperately need four umbrellas. The cheaper and gayer looking they are the better but at this point in my day I will take whatever ya got!" He pointed across the store and began to give me some overly detailed instructions of where they were located and halfway through his blathering I stopped him. "Tell ya what dude. I kinda am getting the feeling that there are a lot of your customers who wanna stab me so how about you escort me to where they are?" He giggled and rolled his eyes and I lowered my glasses, summoned my inner gangsta and said "I'm not kidding. You NEED to walk me over there." He was fast for a skinny lil guy in a blue vest. After a trip through the womens clothes section we were there. A isle end cap full of umbrellas, mostly navy or black in color. the expensive ones were mixed with the cheap ones and it seemed the whole display had been ransacked and was completely unorganized. As I dug through the piles I think i was talking out loud wondering if there was any "hello Kitty" ones. My arms were flying through the display and I think I may have actually pushed a lady so I could get the last pin umbrella on the wall. I dunno, I was "in the zone" and still kinda fearing for my life. All that mattered was getting these damn umbrellas, getting out of the store alive, and getting to the starting line.
As is typical with all Wallmarts, there's a million people in line, the store is nearing max capacity and there's two registers open. The slef checkouts are not working and I am standing in the longest line in the world dressed like a pimp, caring multi colored umbrellas, dripping wet and surrounded by actual thug types. FML. In the next lane stood a 350 pound guy wearing "locs", some sports jersey, brand new K-Swiss shoes and Dickies shorts almost to his ankles. I was pretending not to look at his neck tattoo while he would not stop staring at me, shaking his head with a scowl across his face. Eventually i got rung up and basically ran for the door. The CandyLand jeep swooped me up and we were on our way to the starting line armed wih umbrellas.
IRWINDALE SPEEDWAY
The track was only a few minutes away and the excitement was building. At this point we knew very little about who our competitors were. There was a band "Thunderdick" that was gonna be playing at the starting line for a while and while we were supposed to be there at 9pm, the rally did not kick off until 11. The problem is this was an outdoor event and it was still pouring rain. When crossed over the freeway and could see "RENTAL CAR RALLY TONIGHT" in lights on the big sign as we neared but the place looked completely deserted.
Last time we did this the start line was a "borrowed" vacant lot in the hills of LA and it was by no means a place we were supposed to be. Beer drinking costumed idiots were everywhere and little organization was to be found and we were obviously trespassing. This time since we were allowed to be where we were, we figured there was a bit more organization to be found but honestly we were not gonna be suprised of this was just another stolen location. Then we pulled into the entrance to the parking lot and found a police car blocking our way.
It made us all a bit uneasy and I found myself wondering if this was already a bust. My teammates all thought the same thing and then the roof lights on the cop car lit up and he did a big ol burn out. "WTF? Do we follow him?" I really enjoyed the fact this was already mysterious and Loomis hit the gas and we actually chased the cop car across the parking lot. It felt really wrong and at the same time really right. He lead us to the end of the grandstands and stopped and pointed to a small drive way where was saw some cars that were obviously the art projects of other rally people and we pulled into line.
We could hear the band and made sure to look around to see if there was anyone ready to egg us before we exited the Jeep. Then, Umbrellas in hand and carrying around our "golden gas pump handle/trophy" from the last rally we headed under the bleachers and out of the rain, kinda anyway.
These grandstands probably look like they would deflect water falling from the sky but, they don't. What actually happens is they collect water and let it leak through everyplace. This way you get all the water as if there was no roof of anykind over you, with the added bonus of random bursts of gallons of water, like someones was dumping a bucket out off a balcony while you stood on the ground under them. Even with our umbrellas we were never gonna stay dry. Also, there was soo much rain and such poor drainage that we were standing in a friggin river. This basically sucked except for the fact is was also totally awesome.
There were freaks everyplace and Thunderdick banged out songs under an easy up while we all waited for them to be electrocuted.
We made new friends and caught up with people from the last rally and I proudly marched around with my teammates who by this point i was calling "my b!!tchez" as we bragged about our last win and held our trophy high in the air teasing that we looked forward to adding another one to our collection. When it comes to motorsport events that are pointless and shenanigan based we are really good at them and this weekend would be no different I assured everyone. Being cross dressed and talking shlt is not an easy thing to do but we did it with flair.
WE GOT CRABS!
Finally we found some fellow desert rats (Deadliest Snatch) and their captain seemed to have the best costume of all considering the weather. A full on yellow rain suit. I swear to go he looked like the president of Long Jon Silvers. SatcEy and Nicolette were in skimpy black and yellow outfits with fishnets and their boobies were prominently hoisted up by bras that defy the laws of gravity and Mac was rolling around in a lobster costume that was more of a sponge at this point than anything else. We did a little schmoozing with the promoters/criminals who run the show and there was only one thing that was missing.
Where the hell was Kartman?
TEAM AMERICA. FECK NO!
I didnt recognize him at first and Matt is difficult to notice. First of all, his beard was gone. Ive know Matt for a little over 3 years and he has always had the beard. He has also always had no hair on his head and tonight he did, a wig. It took a lot to process but then when I saw his beady eyes that are the lenses to some of the most evil and impure thoughts contained in any mans brain I knew it was him. We said our hellos and and his crew surfaced. They were doing a combo of Southparks "Team America" and Beer fests "Team USA" They were all wearing matching red white and blue velour track suits, holding beer steins shaped like "Das Boot" and being their usual rowdy selves. I knew it was only a matter of time before I was getting hit with a dlck sword but I was also a bit relaxed. Prior to arriving we had decided to form an alliance against "Deadliest Snatch". We were gonna be ruthless to eachother but at every opportunity we would also unite to destroy them. Bonus points went to whoever could make StacEy cry.
THE START>>> FINALLY
So after a while we were totally soaked in spite of our best efforts to stay somewhat dry. The promoters gave us our briefcases that contained the list of checkpoints, contact info for the other teams, and various tools we would need for the rally. half dozen eggs, silly string, condoms, chile, energy drinks and a Thunderdick CD. A new twist was added to the mix. Each team was issued a golden egg. Our instructions were to protect ours and and aquire everyone elses either by trickery or force. Whatever was necessary... We also got a pointless (at this point anyway) weapon. A super soaker. I remember seeing a guy try and fill his in the bathroom and I asked him "What are you gonna do with that, get people who already wet, wet?" It seemed he did not really notice the irony and he continued to fill it up any way.
We were kinda towards the rear of the line and boxed so basically it was a traffic jam as all the rally tards got in their vehicles that were now covered in straw thanks to the Tarzana Evangelical Friends Church of Jesus Christ Traveling Nativity Troupe team. IT was game time! Since the surfboard on the roof was a total fail, except cosmetically, we ditched it. (Fishes mom is probably pissed about this but seriously this had to be done. The rain was pissing everyone off at this point and raining in the car was not gonna be tolerated.
Do a lap around Irwindale? But why?
It would be easy to do this rally and win, if there was no mileage penalty. The mileage makes every turn important. Going the wrong way for even a mile can be the difference betewwen first and second so the pressure of being "Smart" while participating in an event that is intentionally "Stupid" kinda puts the pressure on the teams. The rally guys had set it up so that everyone was allowed to do a lap around this historic race track in the rain and this was supposed to serve as some type of memorable event for all the participants. We waited in line ofr all of about two minutes reading the checkpoint list and trying to establish if this was required or not. Its kinda like racing as far as the rules go. Basically if there is not a rule against it, you can do it so while everyone waited to be lead onto the track we pulled out of line and went out the back door of the track. If those idiots wanna intentionally drive an extra mile then let them. We had a rally to win.
Electronics are vital. a power splitter woulda been nice to have though.
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[SIZE=-1]
Checkpoint One.
CIVIC MUSICAL ROAD, (Lancaster Ca.)
Task- Find the Road, Drive it.
A stretch of etched pavement that plays the "William Tell Overture" when driven over. This road was created by Honda and featured in that amusing commercial that did very little to make you want to buy a civic.
If ya don't know the commercial here it is...(BTW, you should watch more television. write that down.)
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/YR5Cejq2uyc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR5Cejq2uyc]YouTube - 2009 Honda Civic Musical Road[/ame]
OK so now we have a destination. We got away from the rally tards and mapped our attack. Basicall we needed to go due north but there was this annoying forest in the way and the freeways all wanted to go around it. We had to be better than that so after some calls and texts it was established that we could drive through the forest and shave like a dozen or so miles. Taking the freeway woulda been simple but going through the forest on some trails seemed doable. The unfortunate risk was that even with 4wd and snow chains there was a chance the road was closed and we wouldn't know it till we were well into the snowy mountains outside of LA. According to our web ninja who was at home doing a search to see if these roads seemed passable by doing a close up on google earth this was a decent plan. (Thanks Kenny)
Well, just because it was sketchy did not mean weren't gonna take the chance. Hell we just did a BAJA peninsula run, this is do able and worth the risk. This meant side roads till we got to the foot of the mountain, and then mountain roads "over the mountain and thru the woods to the musical road we go". Unfortunately when we got to the entrance to the forest there were signs up sayin it was closed and we were screwed. Not screwed really, we just had to take the freeway like everyone else. This made us grateful that we had taken a pass on the lap at the start so we figured we were basically even with the other teams on miles if not a little better off.
So we make our way to Lancaster and Fish is navigating at this point. Eventually we get to where we are supposed to be but theres a problem, theres nobody else here and we cant find the stupid musical road. Our midget navigator messed up. he basically looked it up on wikipedia and read this...
The Civic Musical Road was built on Avenue K in Lancaster, California, United States, on 5 September 2008. Covering a quarter-mile stretch of road between 60th Street West and 70th Street West.
Seems like a pretty easy thing to find with an iphone huh?
Well it woulda been even easier if he has read the next sentence on the wiki entry...
It was paved over on 23 September after nearby residents complained to the city council about noise levels. After further complaints from city residents about its removal, work began to re-create it on 15 October 2008 on Avenue G between 30th Street West and 40th Street West — this time, two miles away from any residence.
We were at the old one, and by the time we figured it out we also losely calculated we waste like 14 miles at least. All was not lost though but this stupid mistake certainly punched our morale in the balls. Lessons learned. Fish needs to do more than read the first sentence of our searches, we all need to double check each others findings, and its a good thing we have a Jeep because were gonna need to do some serious off roading to make up the miles we lost. The mantra was "NO MORE AVOIDABLE ERRORS" and The UNDERGROUND pressed on.
We finally hit the real place we were supposed to be at. It is about three lanes wide and there's nothing around it at all. It was dark, still pouriong rain and the only sign for it is on the median. When we rolled up there was a couple other teams there parked in the fast lane taking pics and we stopped also and grabbed ours as quickly as possible. The we launched some eggs at the others, took some fire ourselves, flipped a U turn as we left going over the median instead of driving along the road. We actually drove part of it but only because the median had trees in the way and we couldnt head back to the freeway without doing so. Remember, we need to do as few miles as possible. Onward to checkpoint two.
Checkpoint 2
The Tunnel to Nowhere and Holly mine. Garlock CA.
Task- Find the entrances to both mines Bonus Negative Miles- Find Human Remains
Located above Last Chance Canyon, the The Tunnel to Nowhere was dug over the course of 32 years through solid granite by gold-miner William "Burro" Schmidt who used only a pick, a four pound hammer and a hand drill. So basically, the dude knew how to party!
This was gonna be easy . "Sounds like a tourist trap" I remember hearing as we made our way there. its just a straight shot up the freeway, then 6.5 miles on a dirt raod and we were there. (We could not have been more wrong.)
Mike did some intense google searching while driving and somehow managed not to kill us as we sped down the freeway in the rain trying to get ahead of the other teams We still wanted to avoid any eggings and there was a bit of tension because we knew Kartman and the Flahart brothers were lurking. We still had not seen them but we knew they were someplace close and blood thirsty. Fish, greg and I compared the different maps to our location that our phones provided, the course was chosen and we pressed forward.
The trail entrance was easy to find and the trail itself was even visible on our suction cup garmin GPS. That was a miracle because while those things are good for finding the post office or a movie theater or really any fixed address, they are basically useless if your destination is a random abandoned mine 5 miles from any highway. I should point out there was another possible route to this place but it was way longer and out of the way if we were to line up for the checkpoint after this one.
So we motor down the trail entrance and are laughing because we have the perfect car for this. Mike was great as a wheel man and put his desert skills to task as we blasted past other less rugged vehicles. In the beginning the road was smooth and easy to see but this would all change. Things got a bit more narrow and we began to realize there was some truth to the fact we were entering a place called "Last Chance Canyon".
As we entered the canyon part of the trail and rounded a corner, we came upon a ton of rally cars. "Windows up, Doors locked! we shouted and entered the chaos. From what we could tell there was a stuck SUV. We saw the StacEys team with a tow strap out and for a moment we thought that helping some other teams get thru here could get some people to gough up their golden eggs. As soon as that idea surfaced an egg smashed acroos our hood and we said feck em all. " Lets get to the tunnel!" which was now only like a mile or so further. The trail got real rocky right here and there was some sandy areas also. We put the jeep in 4wd and began powering through the other vehicles in our quest for check point two.
The trail did finally cease to be a trail at all. It became a rocky wash and was also getting a little bit steep. Our jeep was nimble but the tires real really sucked and the stock suspension left plenty to be desired. We were now rock crawling and ech time we cleared a boulder we would bang something on the bottom of our rental. "BING! BANG! BONG! CLUNK! SCRAPE!" We could barely see, the rocks were all wet, and we were bottoming out right and left. Finally our determination was killed. If it was daylight, we were lifted on bigger tires, and we had a winch and another jeep with us then this trail is prolly do able but not like this. We knew nobody in the rally could have got as far up this trail as we did and that they wouldn't even try so before we got stuck forever and had to explain where an abandoned jeep covered in eggs was to the Car rental company, we decided to turn around.
We beat the crap out of the jeep on the way back and at times, I was sure some jagged rock was gonna go right through the oil pan but Loomis had enough guts and finesse to get us out of there and back to the bottleneck of other rally cars that were stuck. Deadliest Snatch was probably the deepest in the canyon besides us and we decided to tell them we failed to make it and that with their size and wheelbase that, if we couldn't get there this way, they never would be able to. It seemed like the right thing to do besides, we knew they were probably smart enough to assume we were liars and would go for it any way. Then they would get stuck or break and ruin their night and we could laugh at them later.
I gues they went a little further up the canyon on foot with flashlights and realized we were actually telling the truth and then turned around as well.
After we cleared the bottleneck we were booking along in the dirt and following the trail on the GPS. We were also stupidly following some taillights in the distance. Well the next thing we know we are in another wash and not the sorta graded road we had just come in on. Suddenly people are lined up behind us and some dude dressed like a monk and a guy who i think was wearing a donkey costumes are walking up to us saying "Ya don't wanna go this way" CRAP! These were the people we were following. We asked if they were ok and they said yes so we backed up a little and did some bush wacking. We could tell we were only about a hundred feet off of the correct line so we weren't lost, just without a road for a moment. After some more punishment to the undercarriage we were back on track and headed to the mine and the tunnel...the long way... but it was paved.
Now all we know is that we have wasted more miles and a sense of urgency had kicked in. Luckily we had cell service and had secured some detailed instructions on how to find this place from the other side of the canyon! We knew how many miles from the highway the entrance was and how far off from the trail head the destination was from there. The problem with this information was that nobody checked the mileage so all this cool ifo was pointless. OH well. as long as we could find the "small wooden sign" that marked the turn off we would be all good.
There were about three or four fals alarms before we found the turn off into the dirt. Rally cars were everywhere and we did not want anyone to follow us so we dove into the dirt with no lights, trying to hide under the cover of night. It may ahve worked a little because a car that was chasing us down did in fact blow the turn by a quarter mile before they turned around and found the entrance also.
What happen for the next 2 and a half hours was a total pain in the ass. Once again we forgot to mark our mileage so we had to drive trough the desert ant a variety of speeds with no way to really know our bearing. the dirt raoads were simple and fast but every now and then we would encounter a wash out. It was still dark as hell and super cold. Greg and fish were soaked and they got the worst deal of any of us because not only were the half naked but they were the smallest and stayed in the back seat. (the back seat was wet and jeep had no rear heater. Mike and I were actually sweating and my feet were burning from the floor vents but those dudes in the back seat were shivering and couldn't feel their toes. Basically this was a glorious form of misery. Comfort was obviously never going to be within our grasp and we did our best to celebrate our misery.
SNOW!!!!
I didn't realize how much elevation we were climbing but all of a sudden it was snowing. The further we went the harder it snowed and before we knew it the terrain switched from dirt to sleet and from mud to slush. Bushes were covered in white and we were still heading uphill. What was even more awesome was the garmin was going nuts. Originally when we pulled off the highway we had a trail on the GPS. We soon lost cell service so google was gone and the garmin was all we had and like I mentioned earlier, that thing aint made for what we were doing. The trails would be there and then they wouldn't. They would return and disappear again and again. Sometimes we knew were we were and sometimes we had no clue. Mostly we were lost and basically guessed where we were supposed to turn. While we were doing all this the terrain got a bit more rugged. Every now and then we would see a civic or a mini van of rallyers driving aimlessly through the desert as lost as we were. Sometimes we would stop and talk if they looked stuck and other times we would throw eggs at them... Mostly we threw eggs.
Eventually we came upon a abandoned house and we parked the jeep. The four of us then hoofed it up a snow covered trail because we were certain the mine entrance was at the end of it. It sucked. we were frozen, running up hill in the snow using the "flashlight App" on our Iphones to guide us.
After slipping all the way up the hill and almost turning abck several time thingking we were totally in the wrong place we found the mine entrance. It was actually pretty cool and if it had been light out and not like negative 30 degrees, i woulda liked to check it out further. Next time we race in Ridgecrest I'm going back to this place. Any way, picture snapped and were out of here! As we were headed down the hill we saw the Massive light rack on Kartmans ride. His HID's were unmistakable for anything else for miles. SO were running down the hill and they are running up it. I knew we were dead meat but it was actually a friendly encounter. Plus it was way to cold to really care about messing with eachother. We bailed out first and lobbed some eggs at their SUV as we left the area. It had to be done.
Every now and then we would see these weird colored lights. It turns out these were tiny LED bulbs taped to magnets and watch batteries and they were put onto landmarks that helped people know they were going the right way. In fact the "tunnel" was completely covered in them. Thats how we knew where it was. We actually never forund the real tunnle but we were able to take a pic at the tunnel sign and falsify evidence showing we were there. SInce we found our check points already, we stopped at all the places we saw these at little light at and, well, we stole them. With all the wrong turns we had done thus far it seemed only fair. Right? (Yea, I know were dlcks.) DGAF. RCR is war! Mercy is for the weak!
CheckPoint 3
Fish Rocks. Trona CA.
Painted by indians to worship the giant worms from Tremors
The nice part about getting through that last hell of a checkpoint is we were now headed into familiar territory. Ridgecrest CA. Loomis and I have gone there plenty of time together racing snore. We have a decent knowledge of this little city and a bonus is that, if we need to we could take the racecourse to get around.
The shortest way to there was more dirt roads but they were working fine on our GPS and phones. Loomis blasted through the snow mud and dirt for what seemed like hours (it was probably only 45 minutes though) and finally we got to town. We had been at this for about five hours already and were pretty haggard by this point. The problem was, there were still 8 more checkpoints to go. Also, I really really had to poop.
So we pull into this creepy gas station and do some shopping and I ask to use the bathroom. There is an awkward little asian man working the graveyard shift and he seems to be on some type pf crack/meth hybrid drug. He is a chattering mess with a heavy accent. I finally make out what he is saying and i realize that the bathroom has a coin operated door and if I wanna take a dump I am gonna need a quarter. I pull out a dollar and he makes me change while I head off fo the bathroom with my babywipes in my hand. ( i don't go anyplace without these anymore) As I head for the dumper Loomis is trying to get instructions on how to best find these "Fish Rocks" from the tweaked babbling idiot behind the counter because we think that it will be less miles if we skip to checkpoint four before we go to number three.
HERE I SIT ALL BROKEN HEARTED, PAID TO POOP BUT ONLY FARTED.
If I had a marker, i would have wrote that on the bathroom wall. For ten minutes i tried to crap and all I had to show for it was a stomach ache. Oh well, all part of the journey. I would regret this later. (note to self Vicoden make me constipated)
While this was/wasn't going on, a tweet came over my phone announcing "the joust is operational, come get sum" I have no idea waht that meant but I knew I would soon find out... In the mean time Loomis had spoken with enough locals getting their morning coffee to figure out that check 4 was on the way to check 3. More saved miles. WINNING! (Side note. there are a lot of homos in Ridgecrest so all the dudes needing directions and looking like trannys really didnt phase the locals... Weird huh?)
Checkpoint 4
Joust.
Task- Find Pants, Supreme, and Mustache (our rally organizers) near Malmo Rd. Win!
Well the nice part of this was "Joust" was not tricky to find. There was a big white van parked on the side of the road with the Promoters inside. They had a couple of poorly assembled bicycles from wallmart and a couple of broomsticks with padded tips. So wehen we get there "Mustache" explains "the Joust". We are supposed to wait for the next team to get here and then we each pick a team member to go out on the highway and actually "Joust." We selected Loomis to be our representative and waited till the next team got there.
Of course it had to be Kartman and the Flaharts that showed up next. Moments later Trevor and Mike are pedaling around the highway on girl bikes trying to impale eachother. To turn it up a notch, trevor is also trying to do this while simultaneously hitting mike with a dlcksword. It was basically AWESOME. After a few passes on each other, mike used his "Lance" like a spear and trevor kinda got him. There was no blood and nobody went face first int tohe pavement but it was still fun to watch. Later we heard we lost because in real jousting, dropping your lance is a automatic lose. Oh well.
RCR la to Tahoe :: IMG_0111.mp4 video by SKADERDIE - Photobucket
SO when the Mid evil batlle of Bicycles was over we booked it back to the jeep and tore out of there headed for the fish rocks. On our way double G nailed Kartman in the stomach with an egg and trevor grabbed onto one of the light up candy canes on the jeep and ripped it off rendering half of the Christmas lights on the Jeep nonfunctional.
About ten miles up the road was the fish rocks. We were careful to stay ahead of Matt and them but we also had to be diligent enough to not pass these up. We had estimated directions, not exact ones so we wanted to stay clear of Kartman but not blow a turn either. I still feel like I am gonna crap my pants BTW. Eventually the checkpoint came into view and we pull of the road and stop. There is another rally team there and they have left their truck unattended. Fools! Mike and I head off to go take the picture. Our plan is this. We go over to the rocks, say hello to the other rally people and do what we can to stall them. In the mean time Fish and greg are to ransack their car and find their golden egg. We also had to get all this done before Kartmans crew arrives and we know they are close behind.
Well fish found their egg wrapped in a shirt in the center console so he took it, nicely folded the shirt up and left it sitting on top of the center console. We ran for the jeep when we saw the HIDs approaching and had barely closed the doors when the pulled up and tried to block us in. Now we have a close range egg fight going and all we wanna do is GTFO. They did their best to block us in and both our vehicles got hammered with eggs. Nothing new. All in good fun. Plus were done here and they arent so they backed off and we bailed for the next checkpoint with our newwely aquired golden egg.
From here it was a long trip on the asphalt to the next checkpoint. The sun was finally coming up though which seemed to give us new energy.[/SIZE]
This is likely the longest post on the forum so get ready to take a trip with the UNDERGROUND as we battle our way through the rain snow and dirt in the quest for a golden gas pump!
It was sometime around mid December when the word got out that there was another Rental Car Rally (RCR) in the works and ya gotta know my boys and I from The UNDERGROUND were gonna go for another win.
For those of you who don't know what the RCR is I lifted this off the creators website. [URL="http://rentalcarrally.com/[/url]"]http://rentalcarrally.com/[/URL]
What is Rental Car Rally?
Rental Car Rally is Halloween on WheelsRCR is an overnight, backroads-mostly driving competition between crazily-festooned teams competing for cash prizes and a golden gas pump. There are usually between 25 and 60 teams per event. Except this one time there were 73 teams and some dudes dressed as clowns crashed their minivan on a bridge in Canada. So. Anyway. It's ballerhouse tiits-out crazytown.
You Win by Hitting the Checkpoints and Looking Awesome
RCR isn't technically a race. The team with the lowest odometer score and best costumes wins. Each team must hit several checkpoints along the route, including sites like abandoned airfields, giant decommissioned howitzers, airplane graveyards, and other absurdly awesome locations.
Expect Good Times and Possible Incarceration
Trucks, covered in dog fur! Grown men, dressed like Rambo! Grown women, dressed like trailer trash! Border patrol agents who don't like pot cookies, sheriffs who'll accuse you of pedophilia, casino owners unamused by costumed gamblers, and bar managers who will kindly referee an impromptu Greco-Roman wrestling match. True stories. When you rally with RCR, you meet some amazing people who are bored with conventional entertainment and weary of respecting the Interstate Highway System.
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For those of you who did not follow our adventures when we did this last summer you can read all about it here.
How The UNDERGROUND won the Rental Car Rally..
Its a long tale but the short version is Mike Loomis, Austin "Fishd00d" Farner and myself each dressed as Rambo and Greg "Double G" Calvert was dressed as a VC. We drove from LA To Tombstone AZ in Mikes Tundra that was draped in camouflage netting hitting various random checkpoints alog the way. What happened that weekend will forever be logged in our memory banks as one of the greatest adventures of our lives. In the end we won beating out Matt "Kartman" Kartozians team by a narrow margin. Both our teams had entered as friends and competitors and as we got closer to the finish line the friendly rivalry we began with, had evolved into an all out war with eggs being the primary weapons. This previous rally was also what prompted Matts purchasing of the 20 inch Dickswords he can bee seen wielding at the races.
Our win that weekend brought to conclusion an awesome rivalry of internet smack talk. To say that Matt and his crew were bitter we beat them would be the understatement of the year, and while i will always hold our trophy as one of the greatest honors ever bestowed upon my team, I have learned to very much hate that damn rubber penis/weapon he weilds like the sword of Excalibur. I don't think a race has gone by where those 2nd placers did not bring that god forsaken phallus. I have been beaten over the head with that damn thing at Parker, Primm and literally every single bar in Laughlin from Losers lounge all the way to the Choo Choo since that day and endured Matts ranting about how they barely lost and we barely won and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Now there's even t shirts with a pic of me hung over, sitting on a toilet in one of the worlds smallest bathrooms in LA's crappyest fleabag hotel that are getting quite a bit of "likes" on Facebook. I would "like" to say I took my beatings like a champ and always let those guys rant and rant and rant because in the end all I had to do was remind them that it was The UNDERGROUND that won. It was The UNDERGROUND that got the Golden Gas Pump and the CASH, and it was The UNDERGROUND that hung that albatross around their neck. Nobody with any competative blood in their veins like to lose and i will freely admit I enjoyed being able to hold this over their heads even though it meant i would be regularly battered by dildos with dildos.
Well, i told ya that story because i think its necessary to give the story of our second rally some perspective.
Once again our rivalry was launched by a simple thread online. This time the RCR would be ran in winter and instead of the finish line being nice and warm and having an out door pool and jacuzzi to chill in, it was gonna end in the frozen mountains of South Lake Tahoe. Just like with Lemons we do our best to get people motivated to join us in these pointless adventures of awesome and try and get as much hype going as possible. These things are fun as hell and not for the weak of spirit. It doesn't take long for people to say stuff like "This sounds like sooooo much fun! We are totally doing this!" the problem is these people rarely get their act together and this rally would be no different in this aspect but with one glaring exception. Taylor Morford aka "TMorford", StacEy Melton, Mac D aka "doyouquaxu" and Nicolette Dunn aka "PrerunnerChic" actually found enough sack to get their asses entered.
The smack talk continued online and it was quickly decided by us veterans that while we were to remain annoyingly tough competitors for each other, we would form a united front and make these n00bs to RCR miserable at every opportunity. Life is nothing without a little hazing.
All of the teams had done a pretty good job of not letting anyone know what their teams theme were gonna be. Ya see, Keeping this kind of info secret helps because one could take that info and then re-theme themselves as the anti version of their opponents. It also adds an element a fun to the pre race shenanigans. We all had had been intentionally leaking misinformation and letting this and that accidentally slip here and there to try and trick each other into thinking they knew more than they did and this had all been pointlessly successful right up untill Fish hosted a super bowl party. StacEy and Nicolette were at Fishes house enjoying a super bowl party and after a few silver bullets Nicolette did something really really really dumb. She left her cellphone sitting on a table and walked away from it. Where many would see just another little gadget on a table, Loomis aw an opportunity and after a quick scanning of her text messages the cat, or should I say crab, was out of the bag. Their team was to be "The Deadliest Snatch".
Her post on Facebook was something like "What the hell is that crap, going thru someones phone to try and get info about RCR! Thats BS" and the pwnership quickly began..."No, that is not BS. It is pure Genius. Sorry girls, but if yer gonna leave a door open like that, were gonna walk thru it."
Now that we knew what they were up to and that they were bittered we were expecting some type of pre rally retaliation and they did not disapoint. While hanging out at contingency at the Battle at Primm a photographer buddy of mine comes rolling up with an interesting pic of the rear panel of a buggy.
the other side said something abut kartman but i dont have a pic of it...
At BAP the rubber penis fights went to a higher level than I had seen before and I am happy to say that my buddy Kyle got the worst of it. At some point he came up to me while i was putting drinks on "Busbys Tab" and looked as though he was about to cry. He was visibly shaken and holding in his hand half of a dicksword. Apparently he had somehow gotten it away from Matt and cut the thing in two. I think he thought it was a good idea at them time but he soon realized that he would likely regret this for ever and ever. I felt bad for Kyle and thanked him becoming the new target of Kartmans posse. We all went about our drinking and then I noticed Matt had in his hand a full intact dicksword and was immediately confused so I asked him "WTF? I thought Kyle cut that in half?" He stared me down and I could see the rage in his eyes followed my a glint of pride. "Do ya really think I only travel with one of these?" I laughed, congratulated him on being prepared and went on my way. Later that night Kyle tracked me down and I gave him refuge on the floor of my room so he could sleep off the evenings over indulgence. When I awoke he was long gone.
In the weeks prior to Primm my teammates and I had been coordinating our costumes and theme for the rally. Shopping had started back in December and was still going on. It had long been decided that we were to replicate the music video "California Gurls" by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg.
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/F57P9C4SAW4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F57P9C4SAW4]YouTube - Katy Perry - California Gurls ft. Snoop Dogg[/ame]
Mike, Fish, and Double G were gonna dress in the various versions of Katy from the vid and I was to be Snoop. Right away I knew I had drawn the long straw in this thing. I mean, after all if i get my picture while I'm taking a dump put on a shirt and plastered on the web, certainly photos of me dressed in drag would have much more dire consequences. Part of the reasoning behind our choice of theme was the weather. Last rally was thru the blistering Arizona sun and we stayed in costume the entire time. This meant we wore boots, long pants, wigs and padded bodybuilder tops that were basically parkas when swim trunks and wife beaters would have been way more comfortable. The promoter told us that since we never seen out of costume that they were impressed especially since anything short of wearing snowboard gear would have been better suited to the weather. Since this time we need to travel to a ski town in the snow we figured being scantily clad in drag would make an even better impression. I mean, really, whats more impressive than a drag queen in stiletto platform heels posted up in the powder outside Mammoth Ski Resort?
Originally I was just gonna wear my Pimp out fit I drastically overspent on this past Halloween but that would have been to easy. In the video Snoop wears a custom three peice suit made of cupcake fabric, I have always been a fan of the statement "If you are gonna be a bear, be a grizzly" so I had done the emasculating task of visiting every fabric store and craft shop in town in my quest to locate everything I needed to produce the necessary materials to replicate the Doggs outfit exactly. I had to give a bottle of crown royal to this girl I know to do the actual sewing for me because while i had also handed over my man card when I purchased a sewing machine from wallmart there was no way I was gonna be able to figure out how to use it in time for my suit to come together. I delivered her all my fabric and samples of what I need to have replicated and she went to work. Immediately she hated me but she endured knowing this would make her attached to what would be one of the greatest interstate crime sprees. fourteen hours of cursing later I
the fitting was complete and I was now the proud owner of a cupcake pimp suit. It's a good thing because I left he house wearing it at 5 o'clock on Thursday night and in 13 hours I was supposed to be headed to the airport and I still had some shopping to do.
Since she lived in BFE and I had to make it to the costume store for like the 5th time in a week I hauled ass across town and picked up the crown of my costume. A black felt fedora that would be spray painted gold with a matching cupcake band added. I hit the door of the costume shop and the punk rock chick that works there and had been helping me with my purchases all week was hyped on my costume (I was still wearing it). I finished up my shopping and was relieved I only had one more stop to make before i could get home and pack and just as she rang up my purchases Katy Perry came on the speakers in the store. It was "california gurls". She and I both noticed this at the same time and smiled. "It's a sign!" she exclaimed. I nodded in agreement, collected my change, and headed for the door singing. It was at this point I knew my Journey had official begun and that there was nothing but awesome ahead. I headed home, packed, and did what i could to get some some sleep but it was difficult considering how excited I was.
At 530 in the morning I was headed to the airport in full costume. The rally was not until way later that night but I had been dared by Loomis to fly in my pimp suit and I really don't like to back away from a dare. I also thought it would make the airport way less boring. Boy was I was right. My room mate pulled to the departures curb and as soon as I got out of the car theres this black luggage porter guy standing there. I did not notice him at first but then he exclaimed "Look at this Motha Fugga right here!" He had this huge smile on face and started clapping. I was overcome with a feeling of success. I smiled, tipped my fedora to the man and without a word, headed to check in.
Although it was super early the airport was buzzing with people and I entered the ziz zag line of travelers as i made my way to TSA security and metal detectors. It was hysterical. Everyone was staring at me because i looked nothing short of outrageous. Some people laughed, some smiled, and some acted as if seeing a cupcake pimpsuited man in Elvis glasses holding a candy cane staff was just normal stuff ya see at the airport. Eventually a woman asked me politely asked me "Why?" I quickly explained the rally and she asked if she could take my picture and I obliged her. As I got closer to the TSA screeners I watched them all look at me while they were pretending not to. The same went for the half dozen people who had taken my picture in line with their phones while pretending they were sending text messages.
When I was finally at the front of the line I pulled out my ID and boarding pass and handed it to the agent. "My name is Dan and I like to party" He looked at the ID, asked me to remove my hat and glasses and said "I bet you do. Have a nice flight" I took off my multi colored wingtips, hat, glasses, my bag and staff on the conveyor belt. Then a giggling TSA agent waved me thru the metal detector and I waited for my crap to come thru. From where i stood I could srr the screen where they look at the x-ray of your luggage and two agents became immediately concerned with my bag. It was filled with a bunch of metal costume jewelry for my bling and a hand held race radio. I heard her say we need to get a closer look at this stuff. (I knew this was gonna happen)
So ther I am talking to the security guy while he goes through my luggage. Hes asking me why I have 16 of those candy jewelry rings and if the prescription bottles for my meds are mine and Im trying to put my shoes back on. Behind him I see 2 PHX police officers watching and laughing and as soon as the guy clears my bag and lets me go they stop me.
"Hello officers"...
These dudes were cool and siad that being stationed at the airport is boring as hell and asked if they could take my picture. "only if you pose with me and I get to take one with you" i told them. " Well, taking photos in this area is against the law but I think in this case we can make an exception"
The next thing I know everyone wants to take a picture with me and in impromptu phot shoot transpires. I think i posed with 6 of 7 different people before i got out of there. As I made my way to the gate once again people pretended not to be looking at me and the ones who did stare were greeted with a smile. I posted up at the bar, shot off a couple texts and downed a couple of double bloody marys while i waited for boarding to start while I had a fun chat with the bartender explaining about what my journey was to entail.
A half hour later I was wheels up and on my way to San Diego.
WHeels Up and onward to SD...
When I got on the plane the perky flight attended said "Sir may i hold your staff for you?" I smiled cuz by now was getting used to the special treatment. What i wasnt expecting was her getting the pilot to leave the cockpit and come back into the cabin to greet me. I sat in the front row and spent the flight arguing about the evils of fossil fuels with an executive at a solar panel company who has no problem with the government subsidizing his industry. It was kinda fun since he expected a man dressed as i was to not to be able to challenge his theories as well as i did but in the end and despite my hatred for greenies, I think i will buy some shares of his company. I let the elderly woman next to me play angry birds on my phone. When the landing gear came down she was demanding her husband buy her an iphone so she can finish the game.
I deplaned and headed for the curb. Loomis was a few minutes away and I continued to be smiled at, stared at and a couple "Brothas" were insisting I tell them where the "Players ball" was. Mike called me to ask if I was at the curb yet and I told him "Yea, trust me. I wont be hard to spot." When he pulled up he was laughing like a child and taking pictures. I hopped in the truck and we headed to grab some breakfast because we had time to kill before we could pick up our rental car.
After we had some eggs benedict and enjoyed mocking the worlds loudest and most annoying woman at the next table we headed to the car rental place and this is where the our first cluster feck happened.
We had reserved a 4 door jeep wrangler but when we arrived it was obvious there was none on the lot. They had two doors but that would never do. The 4 door Jeep was gonna be small anyway for us and all our gear. They tried to offer us alternatives but it had to be a jeep since we wanted 4wd along with matching up with the jeep references in the Song we were paying homage to. It turns out there was so fiasco and the Jeep that was supposed to be there for us had been wrecked or broken or something at was at the dealership getting fixed.
While we sorted out this dilemma i went outside to relax because this was becoming stressful. I also think my outfit had the rental place concerned that they were handing over a 4x4 to some clowns who asked way too many question about what the optional insurance actually covered. I lit a smoke and was immediately attacked by a swarm of bees. Im guessing it was because I was so brightly colored. After a bit of flailing around the bees left me alone and went after a Japanese family while i watched and smiled thinking to myself. "Even Bees don't mess with a pimp"
The tards at FOX Car Rental finally found us the vehicle we needed but the problem was it was at John Wayne airport in Orange County. SO after a little haggling with both the rental place and the folks at mikes bank we scored a Chevy Malibu. The plan was to take it to mikes shop while I followed in the tundra. drop the tundra at the shop, take the mailbu to orange county and swap it for the Jeep, then backtrack to Fishes parents, pick him and some other crap up and head to Jonny Richers, where we were gonna decorate the Jeep and swap over to the wheels from Pat Daileys Trophy Lite. If the stupid pricks at the rental place ahd just had our ride for us like they were supposed to things woulda been way less stressful. This was gonna put us two hours behind and make getting to the starting lin in time for the party very difficult. Today was supposed to be easy with hours to spare. Now we have to race. Crap.
Dropping the Tundra off only took a few minutes and we were loaded up in the "bu" and on our way to John Wayne.
I snapped some pics of some popular cars Loomis has stored at his place.
Poor KITT...
Somehow Loomis figured out how to drift a front wheel drive car and before we knew it we were at the OC airport and swapping over to the jeep. (The brakes on the malibu should probably be replaced after our drift session but considering all the crap we had to do just to get our jeep I don't feel one bit bad about it.) We got our jeep, fed the rental folks some BS about how we were gong to a costume party and headed to go meet Fish.
The ride seemed like it took forever but Fish was there ready to go when we arrived. We strapped "his brothers bosses surfboard" to the roof with ratchet straps, loaded up fishes gear along with our stickers from our door sponsor UTVunderground.com, let his mom and dad take a million photos and then we bailed fro Jonnys Shop. Fishes parent were very concerned that we take good care of the surfboard and as soon as we were out of the driveway we asked fish if it was a big deal if it got messed up. "DGAF. That things been in our garage for 3 years, he doesn't care about it. If it comes loose and we drag it all the way to Tahoe I don't care!" "Perfect" I thought to myself.
As we headed to Jonnys shop an awful noise was coming from the roof of the jeep. The straps did not wanna cooperate with the soft top and included with the awesome drafts at the tops of the doors that were created by our tie downs there was a wicked vibration happening. Im not exaggerating when i say that it sounded like a helicopter was trying to land on the jeep when we hit 45mph. Adjustment were gonna be necessary.
Jonny almost fell over laughing at my costume when we got to the shop. We chatted for a bit and he happily handed over our sponsorship dough but the sense of urgency quickly kicked in and we got to work. Mike and fish headed for pats race truck to steal his wheels which we were supposed to swap onto the jeep. We had stickers for the door from Joey at UTV UNDERGROUND so we started slapping those on also .
While they were doing this Greg arrived with a couple of cases of Monster that had been donated to the cause by CAMBURG
and he also had had the cash and the stickers from DEZERTRANGERS.COM.
we hurried as best we could and started adding all the sponsor stickers to the jeep alog with a bunch of di-cuts Shawn Heck had made for us. It was quickly realized the race truck wheels did not fit the hole pattern on the jeep so we blew that off and made short work of stickering the ride and doing what we could to fix the vibrating surfboard fiasco. When we were done we pulled the jeep around front of the shop for a quick photo shoot and then we got the hell outta dodge. there were two more stops to make and we were gonna have to hustle if we were to make it to the starting line on time...
Regardless of what JR tells his employees, he said we could leave all sticker backings and busted zip ties on the the shop floor and he laughed at you guys when he said it...
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THE PEOPLE OF WALLMART
The only shopping we still had to do was buy supplies to mess up other peoples cars and some snow chains since the ones we had were for pats tires not the crappy wagon wheels we had to run the rally on. We worked in teams and and met at the register to pay. Our cart consisted of 3 18 packs of eggs, 20 pounds of flour, a quart of lard, ready whip, some jugs of syrup and the snow chains. while we ran around the store I realized that at some point someone was gonna snap my picture and it was likely I would end up on "the people of wallmart" website. Rather than be bothered by this concept I actually embraced it and we did our own photo shoot.
I know one of you guys is gonna enter these. Please send me the link if ya do.
FISHES HOUSE
We were in "hurry the feck up mode" by the time we got to fishes. AThis was where we were supposed to get in "full costume". I was basically done and only had to add the "black face" to mine and since we were gonna freeze I also had to put on some long underwear under my suit. The rest of the boys had to get into drag. Carissa, fishes girlfriend, was there to help everyone into their outfit. Make up, heels, wigs, etc. There were interesting comments coming from the bathroom as Loomis tried to figure out how to put on fake eyelashes and Greg tried to wedge Himself into a nylon flesh colored body suit. In the end, I think you would be hard pressed to find a crew who had taken more effort than us to be as authentic when it came to costumes.
Greg has fake boobs
im black now
sexy bishes!!!!!
ONWARD TO IRWINDALE.
By the time we got the Jeep repacked it was raining. We had a long trek ahead of us but for now all we cared about was making it to the starting line. In route the rain got worse and worse. SO here we are, hauling ass in SOCAL Friday night traffic, in a jeep covered in cupcakes and gingerbread men, dressed up like weirdos. None of us knew exactly how to get there so we are trusting the gps. the windows are completely fogged up and defrost seemed to be useless. Our speed combined with our shiddy visibility, crappy tires and a sense of urgency prompted me to send a text to my little brother.
"Hey Bro. I'm doing 90 mph in a jeep in the rain outside of LA. The jeep is filled with cross dressers. If we die please explain to Mom and Dad that this was for another one of those costumed rally things i do and not something gay."
We were almost to the starting line when the rain changed. Up till now it was only raining outside the jeep but the damn surfboard that was held in place with ratchet straps had changed this. The straps had sorta compromised the seal around the doors. At first it was just a feww drops on Greg and Fish in the back seat. then the drops turned into a constant drip on them. while were trying to deal with that while we were moving new drips and drops began at the front doors. Then these ALL got worse. Eventually it was like we had a patio mister system inside the car hooked to the roll cage. Every thing we could find was shoved into the door seals but it little to no good.
THE PEOPLE OF WALLMART (AGAIN)
Fortunately Loomis had been treating the freeway like it was a NASCAR track and he had bought us a few extra minutes so, we decided to pull into Wallmart and buy some umbrellas. So as we pull into the parking lot of this massive super center of crap imported from china everyone started to match their costumes. What I mean is, they all turned into complete vaginas. None of them would go into the store so i called them all out for being lame and manned up and bolted out of the jeep, through the rain and into Wallmart. This was a terrible idea but it had to be done.
I was only a few feet inside the store when I realized that we were obviously in the "HOOD". At first glance I made some mental notes. by my calculations I was part of a small percentage of people inside the store who were not gang members, related or married to gang members or future hopeful for gang affiliation. Now remember that my face is painted black. As i did my best to hide behind my sunglasses and "blend in" I was near panic. This was compounded by the fact that the store is friggin huge and I had no clue of the layout much less where the damn umbrellas are gonna be. I did my best to hustle and then I saw my salvation. An employee. "Dude, I really need your help!" He just stared at me.
"I am in a massive hurry and I desperately need four umbrellas. The cheaper and gayer looking they are the better but at this point in my day I will take whatever ya got!" He pointed across the store and began to give me some overly detailed instructions of where they were located and halfway through his blathering I stopped him. "Tell ya what dude. I kinda am getting the feeling that there are a lot of your customers who wanna stab me so how about you escort me to where they are?" He giggled and rolled his eyes and I lowered my glasses, summoned my inner gangsta and said "I'm not kidding. You NEED to walk me over there." He was fast for a skinny lil guy in a blue vest. After a trip through the womens clothes section we were there. A isle end cap full of umbrellas, mostly navy or black in color. the expensive ones were mixed with the cheap ones and it seemed the whole display had been ransacked and was completely unorganized. As I dug through the piles I think i was talking out loud wondering if there was any "hello Kitty" ones. My arms were flying through the display and I think I may have actually pushed a lady so I could get the last pin umbrella on the wall. I dunno, I was "in the zone" and still kinda fearing for my life. All that mattered was getting these damn umbrellas, getting out of the store alive, and getting to the starting line.
As is typical with all Wallmarts, there's a million people in line, the store is nearing max capacity and there's two registers open. The slef checkouts are not working and I am standing in the longest line in the world dressed like a pimp, caring multi colored umbrellas, dripping wet and surrounded by actual thug types. FML. In the next lane stood a 350 pound guy wearing "locs", some sports jersey, brand new K-Swiss shoes and Dickies shorts almost to his ankles. I was pretending not to look at his neck tattoo while he would not stop staring at me, shaking his head with a scowl across his face. Eventually i got rung up and basically ran for the door. The CandyLand jeep swooped me up and we were on our way to the starting line armed wih umbrellas.
IRWINDALE SPEEDWAY
The track was only a few minutes away and the excitement was building. At this point we knew very little about who our competitors were. There was a band "Thunderdick" that was gonna be playing at the starting line for a while and while we were supposed to be there at 9pm, the rally did not kick off until 11. The problem is this was an outdoor event and it was still pouring rain. When crossed over the freeway and could see "RENTAL CAR RALLY TONIGHT" in lights on the big sign as we neared but the place looked completely deserted.
Last time we did this the start line was a "borrowed" vacant lot in the hills of LA and it was by no means a place we were supposed to be. Beer drinking costumed idiots were everywhere and little organization was to be found and we were obviously trespassing. This time since we were allowed to be where we were, we figured there was a bit more organization to be found but honestly we were not gonna be suprised of this was just another stolen location. Then we pulled into the entrance to the parking lot and found a police car blocking our way.
It made us all a bit uneasy and I found myself wondering if this was already a bust. My teammates all thought the same thing and then the roof lights on the cop car lit up and he did a big ol burn out. "WTF? Do we follow him?" I really enjoyed the fact this was already mysterious and Loomis hit the gas and we actually chased the cop car across the parking lot. It felt really wrong and at the same time really right. He lead us to the end of the grandstands and stopped and pointed to a small drive way where was saw some cars that were obviously the art projects of other rally people and we pulled into line.
We could hear the band and made sure to look around to see if there was anyone ready to egg us before we exited the Jeep. Then, Umbrellas in hand and carrying around our "golden gas pump handle/trophy" from the last rally we headed under the bleachers and out of the rain, kinda anyway.
These grandstands probably look like they would deflect water falling from the sky but, they don't. What actually happens is they collect water and let it leak through everyplace. This way you get all the water as if there was no roof of anykind over you, with the added bonus of random bursts of gallons of water, like someones was dumping a bucket out off a balcony while you stood on the ground under them. Even with our umbrellas we were never gonna stay dry. Also, there was soo much rain and such poor drainage that we were standing in a friggin river. This basically sucked except for the fact is was also totally awesome.
There were freaks everyplace and Thunderdick banged out songs under an easy up while we all waited for them to be electrocuted.
We made new friends and caught up with people from the last rally and I proudly marched around with my teammates who by this point i was calling "my b!!tchez" as we bragged about our last win and held our trophy high in the air teasing that we looked forward to adding another one to our collection. When it comes to motorsport events that are pointless and shenanigan based we are really good at them and this weekend would be no different I assured everyone. Being cross dressed and talking shlt is not an easy thing to do but we did it with flair.
WE GOT CRABS!
Finally we found some fellow desert rats (Deadliest Snatch) and their captain seemed to have the best costume of all considering the weather. A full on yellow rain suit. I swear to go he looked like the president of Long Jon Silvers. SatcEy and Nicolette were in skimpy black and yellow outfits with fishnets and their boobies were prominently hoisted up by bras that defy the laws of gravity and Mac was rolling around in a lobster costume that was more of a sponge at this point than anything else. We did a little schmoozing with the promoters/criminals who run the show and there was only one thing that was missing.
Where the hell was Kartman?
TEAM AMERICA. FECK NO!
I didnt recognize him at first and Matt is difficult to notice. First of all, his beard was gone. Ive know Matt for a little over 3 years and he has always had the beard. He has also always had no hair on his head and tonight he did, a wig. It took a lot to process but then when I saw his beady eyes that are the lenses to some of the most evil and impure thoughts contained in any mans brain I knew it was him. We said our hellos and and his crew surfaced. They were doing a combo of Southparks "Team America" and Beer fests "Team USA" They were all wearing matching red white and blue velour track suits, holding beer steins shaped like "Das Boot" and being their usual rowdy selves. I knew it was only a matter of time before I was getting hit with a dlck sword but I was also a bit relaxed. Prior to arriving we had decided to form an alliance against "Deadliest Snatch". We were gonna be ruthless to eachother but at every opportunity we would also unite to destroy them. Bonus points went to whoever could make StacEy cry.
THE START>>> FINALLY
So after a while we were totally soaked in spite of our best efforts to stay somewhat dry. The promoters gave us our briefcases that contained the list of checkpoints, contact info for the other teams, and various tools we would need for the rally. half dozen eggs, silly string, condoms, chile, energy drinks and a Thunderdick CD. A new twist was added to the mix. Each team was issued a golden egg. Our instructions were to protect ours and and aquire everyone elses either by trickery or force. Whatever was necessary... We also got a pointless (at this point anyway) weapon. A super soaker. I remember seeing a guy try and fill his in the bathroom and I asked him "What are you gonna do with that, get people who already wet, wet?" It seemed he did not really notice the irony and he continued to fill it up any way.
We were kinda towards the rear of the line and boxed so basically it was a traffic jam as all the rally tards got in their vehicles that were now covered in straw thanks to the Tarzana Evangelical Friends Church of Jesus Christ Traveling Nativity Troupe team. IT was game time! Since the surfboard on the roof was a total fail, except cosmetically, we ditched it. (Fishes mom is probably pissed about this but seriously this had to be done. The rain was pissing everyone off at this point and raining in the car was not gonna be tolerated.
Do a lap around Irwindale? But why?
It would be easy to do this rally and win, if there was no mileage penalty. The mileage makes every turn important. Going the wrong way for even a mile can be the difference betewwen first and second so the pressure of being "Smart" while participating in an event that is intentionally "Stupid" kinda puts the pressure on the teams. The rally guys had set it up so that everyone was allowed to do a lap around this historic race track in the rain and this was supposed to serve as some type of memorable event for all the participants. We waited in line ofr all of about two minutes reading the checkpoint list and trying to establish if this was required or not. Its kinda like racing as far as the rules go. Basically if there is not a rule against it, you can do it so while everyone waited to be lead onto the track we pulled out of line and went out the back door of the track. If those idiots wanna intentionally drive an extra mile then let them. We had a rally to win.
Electronics are vital. a power splitter woulda been nice to have though.
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Checkpoint One.
CIVIC MUSICAL ROAD, (Lancaster Ca.)
Task- Find the Road, Drive it.
A stretch of etched pavement that plays the "William Tell Overture" when driven over. This road was created by Honda and featured in that amusing commercial that did very little to make you want to buy a civic.
If ya don't know the commercial here it is...(BTW, you should watch more television. write that down.)
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/YR5Cejq2uyc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR5Cejq2uyc]YouTube - 2009 Honda Civic Musical Road[/ame]
OK so now we have a destination. We got away from the rally tards and mapped our attack. Basicall we needed to go due north but there was this annoying forest in the way and the freeways all wanted to go around it. We had to be better than that so after some calls and texts it was established that we could drive through the forest and shave like a dozen or so miles. Taking the freeway woulda been simple but going through the forest on some trails seemed doable. The unfortunate risk was that even with 4wd and snow chains there was a chance the road was closed and we wouldn't know it till we were well into the snowy mountains outside of LA. According to our web ninja who was at home doing a search to see if these roads seemed passable by doing a close up on google earth this was a decent plan. (Thanks Kenny)
Well, just because it was sketchy did not mean weren't gonna take the chance. Hell we just did a BAJA peninsula run, this is do able and worth the risk. This meant side roads till we got to the foot of the mountain, and then mountain roads "over the mountain and thru the woods to the musical road we go". Unfortunately when we got to the entrance to the forest there were signs up sayin it was closed and we were screwed. Not screwed really, we just had to take the freeway like everyone else. This made us grateful that we had taken a pass on the lap at the start so we figured we were basically even with the other teams on miles if not a little better off.
So we make our way to Lancaster and Fish is navigating at this point. Eventually we get to where we are supposed to be but theres a problem, theres nobody else here and we cant find the stupid musical road. Our midget navigator messed up. he basically looked it up on wikipedia and read this...
The Civic Musical Road was built on Avenue K in Lancaster, California, United States, on 5 September 2008. Covering a quarter-mile stretch of road between 60th Street West and 70th Street West.
Seems like a pretty easy thing to find with an iphone huh?
Well it woulda been even easier if he has read the next sentence on the wiki entry...
It was paved over on 23 September after nearby residents complained to the city council about noise levels. After further complaints from city residents about its removal, work began to re-create it on 15 October 2008 on Avenue G between 30th Street West and 40th Street West — this time, two miles away from any residence.
We were at the old one, and by the time we figured it out we also losely calculated we waste like 14 miles at least. All was not lost though but this stupid mistake certainly punched our morale in the balls. Lessons learned. Fish needs to do more than read the first sentence of our searches, we all need to double check each others findings, and its a good thing we have a Jeep because were gonna need to do some serious off roading to make up the miles we lost. The mantra was "NO MORE AVOIDABLE ERRORS" and The UNDERGROUND pressed on.
We finally hit the real place we were supposed to be at. It is about three lanes wide and there's nothing around it at all. It was dark, still pouriong rain and the only sign for it is on the median. When we rolled up there was a couple other teams there parked in the fast lane taking pics and we stopped also and grabbed ours as quickly as possible. The we launched some eggs at the others, took some fire ourselves, flipped a U turn as we left going over the median instead of driving along the road. We actually drove part of it but only because the median had trees in the way and we couldnt head back to the freeway without doing so. Remember, we need to do as few miles as possible. Onward to checkpoint two.
Checkpoint 2
The Tunnel to Nowhere and Holly mine. Garlock CA.
Task- Find the entrances to both mines Bonus Negative Miles- Find Human Remains
Located above Last Chance Canyon, the The Tunnel to Nowhere was dug over the course of 32 years through solid granite by gold-miner William "Burro" Schmidt who used only a pick, a four pound hammer and a hand drill. So basically, the dude knew how to party!
This was gonna be easy . "Sounds like a tourist trap" I remember hearing as we made our way there. its just a straight shot up the freeway, then 6.5 miles on a dirt raod and we were there. (We could not have been more wrong.)
Mike did some intense google searching while driving and somehow managed not to kill us as we sped down the freeway in the rain trying to get ahead of the other teams We still wanted to avoid any eggings and there was a bit of tension because we knew Kartman and the Flahart brothers were lurking. We still had not seen them but we knew they were someplace close and blood thirsty. Fish, greg and I compared the different maps to our location that our phones provided, the course was chosen and we pressed forward.
The trail entrance was easy to find and the trail itself was even visible on our suction cup garmin GPS. That was a miracle because while those things are good for finding the post office or a movie theater or really any fixed address, they are basically useless if your destination is a random abandoned mine 5 miles from any highway. I should point out there was another possible route to this place but it was way longer and out of the way if we were to line up for the checkpoint after this one.
So we motor down the trail entrance and are laughing because we have the perfect car for this. Mike was great as a wheel man and put his desert skills to task as we blasted past other less rugged vehicles. In the beginning the road was smooth and easy to see but this would all change. Things got a bit more narrow and we began to realize there was some truth to the fact we were entering a place called "Last Chance Canyon".
As we entered the canyon part of the trail and rounded a corner, we came upon a ton of rally cars. "Windows up, Doors locked! we shouted and entered the chaos. From what we could tell there was a stuck SUV. We saw the StacEys team with a tow strap out and for a moment we thought that helping some other teams get thru here could get some people to gough up their golden eggs. As soon as that idea surfaced an egg smashed acroos our hood and we said feck em all. " Lets get to the tunnel!" which was now only like a mile or so further. The trail got real rocky right here and there was some sandy areas also. We put the jeep in 4wd and began powering through the other vehicles in our quest for check point two.
The trail did finally cease to be a trail at all. It became a rocky wash and was also getting a little bit steep. Our jeep was nimble but the tires real really sucked and the stock suspension left plenty to be desired. We were now rock crawling and ech time we cleared a boulder we would bang something on the bottom of our rental. "BING! BANG! BONG! CLUNK! SCRAPE!" We could barely see, the rocks were all wet, and we were bottoming out right and left. Finally our determination was killed. If it was daylight, we were lifted on bigger tires, and we had a winch and another jeep with us then this trail is prolly do able but not like this. We knew nobody in the rally could have got as far up this trail as we did and that they wouldn't even try so before we got stuck forever and had to explain where an abandoned jeep covered in eggs was to the Car rental company, we decided to turn around.
We beat the crap out of the jeep on the way back and at times, I was sure some jagged rock was gonna go right through the oil pan but Loomis had enough guts and finesse to get us out of there and back to the bottleneck of other rally cars that were stuck. Deadliest Snatch was probably the deepest in the canyon besides us and we decided to tell them we failed to make it and that with their size and wheelbase that, if we couldn't get there this way, they never would be able to. It seemed like the right thing to do besides, we knew they were probably smart enough to assume we were liars and would go for it any way. Then they would get stuck or break and ruin their night and we could laugh at them later.
I gues they went a little further up the canyon on foot with flashlights and realized we were actually telling the truth and then turned around as well.
After we cleared the bottleneck we were booking along in the dirt and following the trail on the GPS. We were also stupidly following some taillights in the distance. Well the next thing we know we are in another wash and not the sorta graded road we had just come in on. Suddenly people are lined up behind us and some dude dressed like a monk and a guy who i think was wearing a donkey costumes are walking up to us saying "Ya don't wanna go this way" CRAP! These were the people we were following. We asked if they were ok and they said yes so we backed up a little and did some bush wacking. We could tell we were only about a hundred feet off of the correct line so we weren't lost, just without a road for a moment. After some more punishment to the undercarriage we were back on track and headed to the mine and the tunnel...the long way... but it was paved.
Now all we know is that we have wasted more miles and a sense of urgency had kicked in. Luckily we had cell service and had secured some detailed instructions on how to find this place from the other side of the canyon! We knew how many miles from the highway the entrance was and how far off from the trail head the destination was from there. The problem with this information was that nobody checked the mileage so all this cool ifo was pointless. OH well. as long as we could find the "small wooden sign" that marked the turn off we would be all good.
There were about three or four fals alarms before we found the turn off into the dirt. Rally cars were everywhere and we did not want anyone to follow us so we dove into the dirt with no lights, trying to hide under the cover of night. It may ahve worked a little because a car that was chasing us down did in fact blow the turn by a quarter mile before they turned around and found the entrance also.
What happen for the next 2 and a half hours was a total pain in the ass. Once again we forgot to mark our mileage so we had to drive trough the desert ant a variety of speeds with no way to really know our bearing. the dirt raoads were simple and fast but every now and then we would encounter a wash out. It was still dark as hell and super cold. Greg and fish were soaked and they got the worst deal of any of us because not only were the half naked but they were the smallest and stayed in the back seat. (the back seat was wet and jeep had no rear heater. Mike and I were actually sweating and my feet were burning from the floor vents but those dudes in the back seat were shivering and couldn't feel their toes. Basically this was a glorious form of misery. Comfort was obviously never going to be within our grasp and we did our best to celebrate our misery.
SNOW!!!!
I didn't realize how much elevation we were climbing but all of a sudden it was snowing. The further we went the harder it snowed and before we knew it the terrain switched from dirt to sleet and from mud to slush. Bushes were covered in white and we were still heading uphill. What was even more awesome was the garmin was going nuts. Originally when we pulled off the highway we had a trail on the GPS. We soon lost cell service so google was gone and the garmin was all we had and like I mentioned earlier, that thing aint made for what we were doing. The trails would be there and then they wouldn't. They would return and disappear again and again. Sometimes we knew were we were and sometimes we had no clue. Mostly we were lost and basically guessed where we were supposed to turn. While we were doing all this the terrain got a bit more rugged. Every now and then we would see a civic or a mini van of rallyers driving aimlessly through the desert as lost as we were. Sometimes we would stop and talk if they looked stuck and other times we would throw eggs at them... Mostly we threw eggs.
Eventually we came upon a abandoned house and we parked the jeep. The four of us then hoofed it up a snow covered trail because we were certain the mine entrance was at the end of it. It sucked. we were frozen, running up hill in the snow using the "flashlight App" on our Iphones to guide us.
After slipping all the way up the hill and almost turning abck several time thingking we were totally in the wrong place we found the mine entrance. It was actually pretty cool and if it had been light out and not like negative 30 degrees, i woulda liked to check it out further. Next time we race in Ridgecrest I'm going back to this place. Any way, picture snapped and were out of here! As we were headed down the hill we saw the Massive light rack on Kartmans ride. His HID's were unmistakable for anything else for miles. SO were running down the hill and they are running up it. I knew we were dead meat but it was actually a friendly encounter. Plus it was way to cold to really care about messing with eachother. We bailed out first and lobbed some eggs at their SUV as we left the area. It had to be done.
Every now and then we would see these weird colored lights. It turns out these were tiny LED bulbs taped to magnets and watch batteries and they were put onto landmarks that helped people know they were going the right way. In fact the "tunnel" was completely covered in them. Thats how we knew where it was. We actually never forund the real tunnle but we were able to take a pic at the tunnel sign and falsify evidence showing we were there. SInce we found our check points already, we stopped at all the places we saw these at little light at and, well, we stole them. With all the wrong turns we had done thus far it seemed only fair. Right? (Yea, I know were dlcks.) DGAF. RCR is war! Mercy is for the weak!
CheckPoint 3
Fish Rocks. Trona CA.
Painted by indians to worship the giant worms from Tremors
The nice part about getting through that last hell of a checkpoint is we were now headed into familiar territory. Ridgecrest CA. Loomis and I have gone there plenty of time together racing snore. We have a decent knowledge of this little city and a bonus is that, if we need to we could take the racecourse to get around.
The shortest way to there was more dirt roads but they were working fine on our GPS and phones. Loomis blasted through the snow mud and dirt for what seemed like hours (it was probably only 45 minutes though) and finally we got to town. We had been at this for about five hours already and were pretty haggard by this point. The problem was, there were still 8 more checkpoints to go. Also, I really really had to poop.
So we pull into this creepy gas station and do some shopping and I ask to use the bathroom. There is an awkward little asian man working the graveyard shift and he seems to be on some type pf crack/meth hybrid drug. He is a chattering mess with a heavy accent. I finally make out what he is saying and i realize that the bathroom has a coin operated door and if I wanna take a dump I am gonna need a quarter. I pull out a dollar and he makes me change while I head off fo the bathroom with my babywipes in my hand. ( i don't go anyplace without these anymore) As I head for the dumper Loomis is trying to get instructions on how to best find these "Fish Rocks" from the tweaked babbling idiot behind the counter because we think that it will be less miles if we skip to checkpoint four before we go to number three.
HERE I SIT ALL BROKEN HEARTED, PAID TO POOP BUT ONLY FARTED.
If I had a marker, i would have wrote that on the bathroom wall. For ten minutes i tried to crap and all I had to show for it was a stomach ache. Oh well, all part of the journey. I would regret this later. (note to self Vicoden make me constipated)
While this was/wasn't going on, a tweet came over my phone announcing "the joust is operational, come get sum" I have no idea waht that meant but I knew I would soon find out... In the mean time Loomis had spoken with enough locals getting their morning coffee to figure out that check 4 was on the way to check 3. More saved miles. WINNING! (Side note. there are a lot of homos in Ridgecrest so all the dudes needing directions and looking like trannys really didnt phase the locals... Weird huh?)
Checkpoint 4
Joust.
Task- Find Pants, Supreme, and Mustache (our rally organizers) near Malmo Rd. Win!
Well the nice part of this was "Joust" was not tricky to find. There was a big white van parked on the side of the road with the Promoters inside. They had a couple of poorly assembled bicycles from wallmart and a couple of broomsticks with padded tips. So wehen we get there "Mustache" explains "the Joust". We are supposed to wait for the next team to get here and then we each pick a team member to go out on the highway and actually "Joust." We selected Loomis to be our representative and waited till the next team got there.
Of course it had to be Kartman and the Flaharts that showed up next. Moments later Trevor and Mike are pedaling around the highway on girl bikes trying to impale eachother. To turn it up a notch, trevor is also trying to do this while simultaneously hitting mike with a dlcksword. It was basically AWESOME. After a few passes on each other, mike used his "Lance" like a spear and trevor kinda got him. There was no blood and nobody went face first int tohe pavement but it was still fun to watch. Later we heard we lost because in real jousting, dropping your lance is a automatic lose. Oh well.
RCR la to Tahoe :: IMG_0111.mp4 video by SKADERDIE - Photobucket
SO when the Mid evil batlle of Bicycles was over we booked it back to the jeep and tore out of there headed for the fish rocks. On our way double G nailed Kartman in the stomach with an egg and trevor grabbed onto one of the light up candy canes on the jeep and ripped it off rendering half of the Christmas lights on the Jeep nonfunctional.
About ten miles up the road was the fish rocks. We were careful to stay ahead of Matt and them but we also had to be diligent enough to not pass these up. We had estimated directions, not exact ones so we wanted to stay clear of Kartman but not blow a turn either. I still feel like I am gonna crap my pants BTW. Eventually the checkpoint came into view and we pull of the road and stop. There is another rally team there and they have left their truck unattended. Fools! Mike and I head off to go take the picture. Our plan is this. We go over to the rocks, say hello to the other rally people and do what we can to stall them. In the mean time Fish and greg are to ransack their car and find their golden egg. We also had to get all this done before Kartmans crew arrives and we know they are close behind.
Well fish found their egg wrapped in a shirt in the center console so he took it, nicely folded the shirt up and left it sitting on top of the center console. We ran for the jeep when we saw the HIDs approaching and had barely closed the doors when the pulled up and tried to block us in. Now we have a close range egg fight going and all we wanna do is GTFO. They did their best to block us in and both our vehicles got hammered with eggs. Nothing new. All in good fun. Plus were done here and they arent so they backed off and we bailed for the next checkpoint with our newwely aquired golden egg.
From here it was a long trip on the asphalt to the next checkpoint. The sun was finally coming up though which seemed to give us new energy.[/SIZE]
